River:a natural stream of water of fairly large size flowing in a definite course or channel or series of diverging and converging channels.

This past Thanksgiving weekend was not what anyone would call the makings of a Hallmark movie. I knew this one would be different, and I had spent a few months trying to mentally prepare myself. I had told myself and anyone who would listen that I was fine. That I was really looking forward to a quiet day, just my husband and Brett. That I was looking forward to not having to cook and prepare a huge meal, all the shopping and prepping and mess. I was going to make steaks, and decorate the house for Christmas, and we would skype with the other boys once Bryce and his girlfriend got back Thanksgiving night.I was convincing myself that I could do it. Apparently, I am a terrible liar.

I knew the upcoming holidays would be different this year. Our son in China had informed us he couldn’t be home for Christmas, but would be home in late January. Asked if we could leave up the decorations, and tree, and we could celebrate then. I was sad, but excited to extend the season. It will be fun, it will be fine, I repeated to myself. Our son Nate who recently moved to Tacoma Washington was hoping to make it home for Christmas with his girlfriend, but we discussed it and decided it would be awesome to have them all home in January. It will be okay, I thought in my head. Our son Bryce’s college break wasn’t going to start until December 23rd, so I was sad that I wasn’t going to spend anytime with him and his girlfriend before Christmas, but it was just fine. Really.

The weeks and days leading up to Thanksgiving were weighing heavily on me. I tried to push back the sadness I was feeling. I dove headfirst into Christmas music and movies. I shopped, and baked and sang. And tried to drown in the river of emotions I was feeling. I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.

I awoke on Thanksgiving morning and knew. I was off. Susie Sunshine was taking a day off too. As I sat on the couch, alone, at 5 a.m. I began to cry. I thought, “get it out of your system, before anyone sees you. Get it together lady. But the tears just kept coming, like a river flowing. My husband, sensing the impending doom, had promised to watch the Thanksgiving parade with me.He NEVER watches it. Ever.  He came downstairs and asked if it had started yet. As he sat down beside me, the tears picked up their flow. He wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry” I said. I explained that I was trying to stop, I really was. But I couldn’t. Who did I think I was? Having a pity party for myself because my sons were doing what I always hoped and prayed they would? I knew there were people who were ALONE alone for the holidays, people who were sick, people who were widowed etc. I knew this, but I couldn’t stop. My poor husband didn’t know what to say or do. He left the room, to take a shower, and my son Bryce came into the room. I had rolled into a ball onto the couch and covered myself up with a blanket, and put Christmas music on. The song River came on:

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on

and I began to sob. “Are you okay mom?” I heard my son say, as he came to me, and bent down to hold me. My 6ft3 son, was on his knees trying to hug me, as his dog, my grandpuppy jumped in between us as if to say “I’ve got this dad.” He asked if I was ok, I told him I would be. I wasn’t and didn’t know when I would be, but he didn’t need the guilt or worry. My son Brett came down and hugged me only the way he can, patting me on the head saying “come here momma”. They loved me and were worried, and I felt so guilty. But the salty tears fell. What in the heck was wrong with me. Where had I gone?

My husband decided to take us to a movie. I told him I was fine, and that it would be okay to stay home, he didn’t have to worry. He knew better, and away Mark, Brett and I drove the half hour to a theater to see Bad Santa 2. My eyes were red and swollen, no make up would conceal, so I didn’t bother. I felt so loved and taken care of, but I couldn’t shake it.When we got there, I told Mark to get me popcorn, and as I sat in the dark theater, waiting for the movie to start, I leaned over to my husband and said ” Now I know why Peppermint Patty was so pissed about eating popcorn and toast for Thanksgiving.” We were the only ones in the theater, except for one woman all by herself. I felt so bad for her, wondering what her story was. Why was she here, alone on Thanksgiving.

On the way home, with Christmas songs on the radio, I began to cry again. I turned my face to the window, thinking I could somehow hide. “Is it happening again?” my poor husband asked. I wanted to scream to myself “SNAP OUT OF IT!” We came home and I began to prepare our steak dinner. Bryce and his girlfriend Erin would be arriving soon from the other Thanksgiving dinners they had to attend. I was feeling myself coming out of it. We would be skyping soon with our Nate and his girlfriend.  Surely it would help. As his face popped up on the computer, the first thing he said was ” Mom, you look so sad!” and in perfect unison my husband and sons said “she is!”….”Oh mom, I am so sorry.” Nate said, and I felt so bad. Guilty that I had ruined their holidays. That I had wasted precious time off from work sulking and acting a fool.  My son and his girlfriend Emma, were happy, and enjoying being together , and that made me happy. We talked for an hour and I told him once we pinned Tony down on a firm date for January, we would plan when they too could come home.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores.

Sunday morning we skyped with Tony. I had been looking forward to it for a while. We hadn’t in about a month, and there was new exciting things to discuss,but most importantly we would know when we would see him in person again. ” So, did you buy your ticket yet?” I excitedly asked. I was feeling more like myself, and hadn’t shed a tear since Thursday. “I am not coming in January now mom.” I exhaled, as all the color left my already pale face. I instinctively pulled my scarf up over my mouth and nose, thinking, once again, I could hide what was about to happen. ” I am sorry mom, are you ok? You look so sad.” he said. I handed the computer to my poor son Bryce and retreated to my crying room,aka the bathroom.I shut the door and the river of tears picked up steam. I could hear my husband, slight raised voice asking why, explaining how fragile I had become. I knew I had to pull my big girl pants up, and face my new normal. Tony had decided to come in summer, he said so he can spend more time here.I wanted to believe it. We talked for about an hour, and he apologized over and over. “I am not keeping the tree up til summer!” I told him half joking. The conversation ended, and I went upstairs to put laundry away and cry. Brett found me, and wrapped his arms around me, patted my head and said”come here momma.”

I am blessed beyond measure, I am loved deeply. I am cared for. This is a new stage, a new current I have to learn to flow on.

“Have you also learned that secret from the river; that there is no such thing as time?” That the river is everywhere at the same time, at the source and at the mouth, at the waterfall, at the ferry, at the current, in the ocean and in the mountains, everywhere and that the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past nor the shadow of the future.”
Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

My sons will always be my sons, no matter where they are, no matter where they spend their holidays. Like a river, we will come up against rough currents, and rocks. But there will also be beautiful, peaceful moments, where we all can feel home again.