My Faith was tested. It was pushed to the limits. I have never felt so helpless, overwhelmed and unprepared in my life. If it could go wrong, it had. 2019 was trying to kill me I was sure.It was trying to suck the life, Joy and Faith right out of me. Somehow, it didn’t. It made my Faith and my Joy stronger. Even Here, in the deepest, darkest days, Even here, I wasn’t alone.
Brett was admitted to the hospital August 4th. After a summer of sickness, and E.R. visits, we were prepping for his colonoscopy. My worst fears came true. As Brett began to vomit blood, I screamed for my husband to call 911. The tests confirmed Severe Crohn’s disease, a stricture blockage and ulcers in his esophagus. He was as sick as I had ever seen anyone. But it was different, he was MY Son, and I was helpless. I couldn’t fix him. He wouldn’t let me leave. So I stayed for almost all of his 14 days in the hospital. He wanted the room dark, blinds drawn, t.v. on E.S.P.N. ( he never watches sports) on mute, for 14 days. I had brought my bible and journal. So I spent time finding comfort in the Word. I was worried sick about Brett. They wanted to transfer him to a teaching hospital for possible surgery. I once again had to close my salon so I could be with him.( By the month of August I had shut the salon down a total of almost 4 months. Two months for my broken arm, two weeks and a few days for when my parents were hospitalized and put into nursing homes and now this. ) Most days were spent quietly with Brett, while my husband worked. My husband would come as soon as he could get off of work each day. But I felt so alone, in the muted darkened room. I had to reach up for help.
And the air around you changes
When you don’t know what is coming next
You’re afraid to turn the pages
And they only bring more questions
When you wish that you could run away
But you don’t know what direction
There’s no way to stop a slow motion emergency
In the unknown
You are not alone. JJ Heller
Find me on my knees
I’ve walked against the water
Now I’m waiting if you please
We didn’t count on suffering
We didn’t count on pain
But if there are blessings in the valley
Then in the River I will wait. (Find me in the River by Delirious)
14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.
As difficult as it was on us to have my husband lose his job, I also feel it was Gods perfect timing. I needed him home, we all did. We had been through so much this year, we were so overwhelmed, so we all needed the break. The lord is faithful and He provides. We had savings, and I was back at work. Mark was able to be home with Brett in the early days of his treatment. I could breathe easier knowing he was there. But then the rains came…the flooding rains. Our area was hit with over 7 inches, and we had a leak in our roof. Of course we did. I actually laughed, because, why not? I mean what else could happen, wait don’t answer that. So 13 grand later we are getting a new roof. ( Our second new roof this year as we had to put a new roof on the salon building after the tornado damaged it. No, I am not kidding). And God is still faithful. He never said we wouldn’t suffer, that wouldn’t have trials. He simply asked us to lean on Him. So I do. Every morning, with my coffee, I sit quietly with my bible, my journal and my devotional. And I thank God for getting us through. For the patience He is helping me learn when things don’t go my way on my time.I am learning I can’t and don’t control everything. Those were my lessons I needed to learn. My kids always tease me about how often I ask them if they are okay, if everything is alright. It is a habit. While Brett was so sick, I would probably ask him 40 times a day. I was so worried I would miss something. Every time the poor kid entered the room I would grill him. I am working hard to let that go too. Brett’s therapist mentioned that maybe I could try to only ask a few times a day. So I am trying. I bite my tongue, sometimes it works.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2
As I sit quietly here tonight, I am in awe of the work God has done for my family this year. This year filled with trials and tribulations. God is good. Brett is doing amazing, he has gained over 30 lbs back. He smiles and cracks jokes again. Mark starts his new job tomorrow. It was such a blessing having him home. He completed almost every honey do list I had. He was here for Brett when he needed him most. And for me. And I have a peace and calm I haven’t had in a long time. A clarity to see things how they really are. Each night when I lay my head to the pillow, I say “Help me Jesus.” He hears our prayers.