We had another meeting, for our son. Another meeting for another plan, another job. It was one of hundreds of meetings over the past 15 years, and certainly not the last. However, this time, one phrase kept going through my mind. A phrase I borrowed from a friend. She had posted to her Facebook page “Not my Journey.” It clicked instantly in me. And while I had no exact idea what she was referring to,it hit home with me. Square in the gut. Not my Journey, my new Mantra.
As the meeting began, and we were introduced to some new case workers, my son didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to stand. It bothered me, but, he was comfortable standing, and was being involved, so standing worked fine. I have learned slowly over the years to not over take the meetings or conversations. But I somehow would either whisper, or give a knowing glance to the case worker, making my ideas known. The things I wanted for my son. What I thought was best.And while there was a time and place for that, maybe that time and place are gone.
I tried my best to sit quietly as they asked him questions. The usual questions that frustrate him to no end. “What are your interests? What type of job do you want? Do you want to work with people?” etc. Most times, I would butt in, adding my two cents. Which in turn would ALWAYS result in my son looking at me with contempt, telling me to be quiet. Yet I would figure out ways to speak over him. Today, I started to. I tried asking questions, about classes at the tech school. “Mom, I don’t want that. I don’t like classrooms. I learn better on my own.” He was right. And the phrase that had been bouncing around in my mind settled firmly. Not My Journey.
Yes, this scenario with this son, is completely different than the scenario with my three other sons. Yet, it is the same. My other sons have all made their own decisions when it came to where they went to college, what they would study, where they would move. And while with this son, we HAVE to have perimeters on decisions he makes, we have to guide him as best we can, in the end, it is Still Not My Journey. We would never allow him to do anything unsafe or not good for his future. But I will no longer put My wants and needs into his journey. I didn’t for the other three, I won’t for him either.
I would Love to have input with all of my sons on their decisions.But, in the morning, when their feet hit the floor, they walk a path for themselves. If I had my way, my sons would all live nearby, giving me more grandbabies than my arms could hold.However, as I sit back and watch my adult sons continue on their journeys I see that probably won’t happen.Because their roads wind a different way than mine. Beautiful all the same.
I am hoping this New Year helps me to let go of all the things I so desperately want to control, but know I shouldn’t. I hope it helps me relax and enjoy watching where all their journeys take them, And maybe, enjoy where mine takes me.