I had a craptastic week , last week. My grand puppy went nuts and ate everything that wasn’t nailed down. Including my new couch. One of my other dogs went on a hunger strike, and I have no idea what he was protesting. He thinks he is Gandhi.I worked long crazy hours. I got stung by a wasp and had a horrible allergic reaction, go figure. I had to say goodbye to my second born son as he moved across the country with the love of his life. I ugly cried. And that is when I finally realized the definition of Motherhood.

Motherhood, Is, locking myself in the bathroom with a fun size bag of Kit Kats, crying, repeating over  and over,to the adult child knocking,  “Yes, of course, I am okay!” as the wrappers fall to the floor. I think I need to upgrade to the giant size bar.

Motherhood, Was, 5 loads of laundry a day. Smelly football uniforms. So many shoes scattered about the house, not knowing who they all belong to.Cooking to feed an army, or a football team, whoever showed up first.Doors slamming, guitars jamming, noise noise noise.Just wanting five minutes peace.

Motherhood, Is,empty places at the table, which is now just used for storage. Empty bedrooms, so I keep the doors shut.Learning to cook all over again, to feed 2 or 3 instead of 6 or 20.Throwing away bread and milk that have spoiled, because, there is not a neighborhood gang at my house eating and drinking. Too much silence.

Motherhood,Was, sleepless days and nights. Staying awake with sick kids.Holding puke buckets. Helping with projects and homework. Going to games, and tournaments, and musicals. Concerts,Spelling Bee’s and field trips. Never eating a hot meal from a plate, but rather from the serving spoon, as you cleaned off the table. Greeting them after school, at the door, about the missing homework phone call,Screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs, then regretting it the second you did. Praying that they would turn out despite how much you were screwing them up, by not knowing what the hell you were doing at all.

Motherhood, Is,Skyping, and texting and emailing, to make sure they are okay.It is sending or handing them money, and having them say “No, Mom, I am okay, I don’t need it.” (Who are they? )It is watching them, from afar, or very very afar, live and follow their dreams. Seeing them fall in love and make life decisions. It is constant, unending worry and prayer. Worrying if they made it safely, if they ate, if they have enough money,are they Happy? Praying that they did, they have, they do and they are.It is forgiving yourself over and over for all the mistakes you made raising them, and hoping they forgive you too. It is looking at old photos and wishing you could do it all over again.The, messes, the homework, the sleepless vomit filled nights. All over again.It is nagging them about making you a grandmother.It is crocheting baby blankets so you are prepared.

Motherhood , Is, Missing their laugh, their voice and their mess.It is memories to last a lifetime, to carry you through, on the quiet nights, or weekends.It IS having your heart, walking around, beating in someone else’s chest, because you love them that much.It, Was, and Is the greatest blessing in your life. It , Was, Is, worth the scars, and the stretchmarks. It Was, Is, learning to let go, before they were, or you are ready. It was, knowing they needed you, it, Is hoping they still do. It, Was, loud and noisy, it, Is, learning to embrace the silence. It, Was, all about and for them, it still Is. It Was, Is, and always will be.Motherhood, is crazy.