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Speaking in Cursive

Walking through this extraordinary life.

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Three

Dear Sweet Mama,

You always said, “a lot can change in a little bit of time.” As usual, you were right. So much has happened since you left your earthly body. Three years. How is it possible, it has been three years? In the moment I last saw you, and I felt the very air sucked out of my body, I didn’t think I would survive without you. But, I should’ve known better, you didn’t raise a quitter, mama.

Looking back on the last decade, the majority of it was difficult and heartbreaking. For most of it, to quote you, “I didn’t know if I was coming or going.” Trauma, sickness, injuries, heartbreak and death surrounded me on all sides.I truly was comfortably numb. Or so I thought. I lost myself, for a while. But, in the searching, the healing and the hurting, I not only found myself again, but I found you.

In the three years you have been gone, my Entire world has changed. All of it. Yet, I see you everywhere. I have gained two daughter in laws. I find myself channeling you, and how you were a mother in law to 5 son in laws and one daughter in law, but you treated them as your own.They grieved your loss as deeply as we did. You loved them fully. I watched you mom, and I hope I learned to love like you did. To respect the marriage’s of your children, and that their spouse was the most important to them. That you supported them as a unit.I thank you for that, mom.

I became a grandmother (Nanny, Granny, Nai Nai) three times over. Three granddaughters in three years. (Can you believe it, mom? Granddaughters!) All I can think of is, How did You do it mom? You had 15 living grandchildren, and you helped watch them all, on a daily basis. Sometimes, many of them at once. Early in the morning to late in the evening. You had to be exhausted, bone tired. Yet, I don’t remember you saying so. You never said no when any of us needed extra help with the kids. For a night out, or a weekend getaway. Our babies were Your babies too. And you loved them like it. That love lives in them to this day. The memories, the cherished memories of being at your house, with dad. Summers swimming with you, walking to the library, having picnic lunches on the deck. Watching sports with you,( or watching you watch sports )was a special time. You took the role of Grandma( Grancy in later years) very seriously. You wore that badge of honor proudly. As if it was your life’s calling. I think it was, mom. I think certain people are born to be Grandparent’s. It is early in the game for me mom, but I feel that is my life’s mission. I have never felt as comfortable in my skin, as I do now. Being a Nanny, has healed the little girl in me who yearned for a grandmother’s love. I am so happy my granddaughter’s will never doubt that they are loved by anyone on either side of their family. Thank you mom, and dad, for being that to mine.

Three years ago, I couldn’t see to today. And maybe that is the point. We don’t know what lies ahead for any of us. When we are overcome with grief and sadness, we forget that Joy comes in the morning. So much Joy, you can’t explain or contain it. And if you are set on a firm foundation of Faith, Love and Hope, there will not only be joy, but a peace that passes all understanding.Because I have been so fully loved, I can love fully.

These three years have been life changing. I have lived through the lowest low’s and the highest high’s. I have never laughed and cried more in my life. I had to hit the absolute bottom, to see clearly from the top. So much can happen in three years, just like in three days. I am so glad I praise the God who gives and can take away. Because that is where, I found myself, in the healing and the hurting, in the valley and the mountain top.I felt you in all of those places. I felt you still cheering me on, still lifting me up, telling me you were proud. I love when people tell me I look like you, or sound like you. My biggest wish is that my granddaughters ( and my sons and their wives)will know you, through me. That someday when they ask their daddies about who their daddy’s grandma was, they can say “she was just like Nanny”. I want the girls to want to hear stories about you, their Great Grandma, to know who you were, what you stood for, and Who you believed in.I know with my whole heart, my sons, your “tall drink of water” grandsons will be able to fill hours with stories of you and their grandpa. Stories of laughter and of comfort and caring. They will be able to say how blessed they were to have a grandma like you.And they will tell them that Nanny learned from the best.

I love you mom, thank you for loving me, and all of us. Love, carries on and on.

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Is Was, Was Is

I had a craptastic week , last week. My grand puppy went nuts and ate everything that wasn’t nailed down. Including my new couch. One of my other dogs went on a hunger strike, and I have no idea what he was protesting. He thinks he is Gandhi.I worked long crazy hours. I got stung by a wasp and had a horrible allergic reaction, go figure. I had to say goodbye to my second born son as he moved across the country with the love of his life. I ugly cried. And that is when I finally realized the definition of Motherhood.

Motherhood, Is, locking myself in the bathroom with a fun size bag of Kit Kats, crying, repeating over  and over,to the adult child knocking,  “Yes, of course, I am okay!” as the wrappers fall to the floor. I think I need to upgrade to the giant size bar.

Motherhood, Was, 5 loads of laundry a day. Smelly football uniforms. So many shoes scattered about the house, not knowing who they all belong to.Cooking to feed an army, or a football team, whoever showed up first.Doors slamming, guitars jamming, noise noise noise.Just wanting five minutes peace.

Motherhood, Is,empty places at the table, which is now just used for storage. Empty bedrooms, so I keep the doors shut.Learning to cook all over again, to feed 2 or 3 instead of 6 or 20.Throwing away bread and milk that have spoiled, because, there is not a neighborhood gang at my house eating and drinking. Too much silence.

Motherhood,Was, sleepless days and nights. Staying awake with sick kids.Holding puke buckets. Helping with projects and homework. Going to games, and tournaments, and musicals. Concerts,Spelling Bee’s and field trips. Never eating a hot meal from a plate, but rather from the serving spoon, as you cleaned off the table. Greeting them after school, at the door, about the missing homework phone call,Screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs, then regretting it the second you did. Praying that they would turn out despite how much you were screwing them up, by not knowing what the hell you were doing at all.

Motherhood, Is,Skyping, and texting and emailing, to make sure they are okay.It is sending or handing them money, and having them say “No, Mom, I am okay, I don’t need it.” (Who are they? )It is watching them, from afar, or very very afar, live and follow their dreams. Seeing them fall in love and make life decisions. It is constant, unending worry and prayer. Worrying if they made it safely, if they ate, if they have enough money,are they Happy? Praying that they did, they have, they do and they are.It is forgiving yourself over and over for all the mistakes you made raising them, and hoping they forgive you too. It is looking at old photos and wishing you could do it all over again.The, messes, the homework, the sleepless vomit filled nights. All over again.It is nagging them about making you a grandmother.It is crocheting baby blankets so you are prepared.

Motherhood , Is, Missing their laugh, their voice and their mess.It is memories to last a lifetime, to carry you through, on the quiet nights, or weekends.It IS having your heart, walking around, beating in someone else’s chest, because you love them that much.It, Was, and Is the greatest blessing in your life. It , Was, Is, worth the scars, and the stretchmarks. It Was, Is, learning to let go, before they were, or you are ready. It was, knowing they needed you, it, Is hoping they still do. It, Was, loud and noisy, it, Is, learning to embrace the silence. It, Was, all about and for them, it still Is. It Was, Is, and always will be.Motherhood, is crazy.

 

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Sink or Swim (and other life lessons I learned growing up with a backyard pool)

I was only 3 but I remember it clearly. Learn to swim my parents said, so they threw me in, right in between my oldest sister  (almost 16 yrs older than me)and her husband. Sink, or swim. I guess my instincts or something kicked in, because I remember swimming, right to my brother in law. And just like that, I was a swimmer. Everything I learned about life, from that point on, I learned in that pool.

Local legend has it that there was a pool salesman that lived on our street, so every house, or so it seemed had a pool. But ours, ours was the best, the king of pools. And my parents made sure it stayed pristine, even to this day.I spent every waking warm moment in that pool and learned lessons that shaped who I am.

Trust: You have to trust those around you, and believe they will do what they say they will.

I was so scared to jump off the deck or the ladder, or go down the slide. Petrified. My mom said she would catch me, if I went under, she would pull me up. Or my dad, would wait at the base of the slide, to grab me before I would go too far under. They always did. They  always caught me, before I went too deep.Until they didn’t have to anymore, because, I trusted myself, my own judgement. And to this day, even in their advanced years, they still do. I still trust them, and others because of them.

Be Brave: Sometimes, or all the time you have to face your fear,to get to where you want to go.

Our pool had this amazing slide, very tall, or it seemed so when I was young. I wanted so badly to go down it,  I must’ve been about 5 or so.I climbed up and made it to the top, and wanted to turn around and go back down the steps, but one of my sisters was right behind me, blocking the way.”No, you can do it, it will be fun. Just try.” I am sure tears were shed, and maybe a fit was thrown, but then, I tried. Someone was at the bottom to catch me, and I swam to the other side. Then promptly did it again, and again, and again. There are so many times I want to quit things I am about to start, because I am convinced I will screw it up, or do it wrong. But when I just follow through, I realize, there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. I STILL go down that slide. I am usually a tad scared climbing up its old stairs now, but I do it.

Dive into Life: Don’t sit on the sidelines and watch others having fun, dive in.

We had this diving board that I could’ve sworn was an Olympic diving board. Seemed so big when I was small. Our pool was deep, about 7ft I believe.So my dad and mom taught me to dive. Sometimes all of us kids would line up, one right after another, and dive in. Different ways, silly ways. Belly flops, jack knifes, but we all dove in.There are so many ways to jump into life. We don’t all have to jump the same.You just have to do it. I am Still the 1st one out on the dance floor at a wedding reception, no one can do The Elaine better than me.

Ride out the waves: Life is not always smooth sailing, and sometimes you just have to ride it out.

My dad would always get the best inner tubes for us to have in the pool, and we would fit as many people as possible as we could on it, and “bob” up and down. Trying our best to, not only knock each other off, but also, to create massive waves. We would do this for hours.(It was an amazing ab workout, and probably why I didn’t crack the 100 lb weight mark until after high school)There was always a victor, and a loser. But we never gave up, we fought against the waves as they tried to push us under the water. We climbed back on. Life is like that, sometimes, it is calm and peaceful, and then the waves come. You have two choices really.Keep swimming, even against the waves, or go under, quit. For me, I choose to ride it out when the waves come crashing in on me. Even if I can only doggie paddle through it, I refuse to quit.

You don’t need a lot of friends just a few great ones: Know your circle, your true friends.

It would be a boiling hot day, the doorbell would ring.”Mary, your fair weather friends are here.” I used to hate it when she would say that, because I didn’t understand what she meant. Fair weather? To me, at the time, they were just friends.I mean sure, I didn’t see them all fall, winter and spring long, and they never invited me over, but they were here now, right? They just wanted to swim. They certainly weren’t like my real friends, my yearlong friends. The ones I built snowmen with or jumped in the leaves with. My real friends loved me through all the seasons. The rainy days, the bitter cold, the dark and dreary. They just loved me.  My real friends and I would spend hours, from sun up to sun down in that pool. Only getting out to eat, pee, or watch As The World Turns. My real friends and I would build tents made out of blankets and sleep under the stars, and sneak in the pool at midnight, being careful not to wake my parents. And you know what, my real friends then, are Still my real friends now. Those fair weather ones, well, they only stuck around when times were good, and the the skies were blue.

Work hard for what you want: Most things don’t come easy, but hard work is worth it.

My dad came up with this game. He would save change throughout the year.When swimming season started he would throw the change to the deep end of the pool. Whatever we grabbed , was ours. It didn’t matter if it was a family member or a friend. If you swam for it and got it, it was yours. So there we would all be, holding our breath as long as we could, trying to grab metal off a slippery sloped deep end. Treading water to stay under as long as we could hold our air. This would go on for  a long time. We would feverishly swim back up to the shallow end and plunk our pennies and nickels down, and go right back under. It was exhausting, but the reward was Worth it. I had worked for this money, I was tired, but I kept going back. That’s what I saw my dad do, everyday. Up early and out the door before our feet hit the ground. Everyday, until he became so sick, he no longer could work. I was 9. And it killed me to see it killing him to no longer be able to work. So there was no way I wasn’t going to work hard getting those pennies, or for my dreams. Nothing comes easy. And usually nothing is handed to you either. So if you have to swim to the deep end to get what you want, get swimming.

Laughter is the best medicine: Find the good, find the happy, find the joy.

I think the laughter from over 40 years is probably still bouncing off the waves in the pool. My sisters and I played this hairstyle game( ironic , right?) We would all go under water at the same time and pop up with a new hairstyle. Except every single time, we looked like George Washington. And we would crack up, each and every time. That tradition carried on with my nieces, and now their girls. Generations of families, neighbors and friends have filled that pool. I love to watch my boys, making up games with their cousins in the pool. Each game has new rules, and tremendous amounts of laughter. My parents usually don’t go in the pool anymore, at 84 and 80, it isn’t easy. So they sit on their back porch, and watch what they created.Their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren,laughing, and playing.Learning to SWIM.

 

 

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