Speaking in Cursive

“Learn from our mistakes”, we said to him. Saying what every parent says at some point to their child. I don’t even remember what we were talking about to say that to him, but I will never forget his response.”But what if I am supposed to learn a different lesson.” Frozen in my tracks, it changed how I parented forever.My stubborn, strong willed, middle son had just taught me an invaluable lesson.

Today is my son Nathan’s 23rd birthday. The age I was when I had him. He is my second son, my middle child, even though there are four sons.(Twins are the youngest).  From the day he was born, he was stubborn, and silly, and tenacious and unique.  He crawled by 5 months, walked at 10 months. At about 1.5 yrs old, he became obsessed with Frosty the Snowman. We watched it over and over, for about 2 yrs. He would find a bucket, and that was his hat. He would NOT let us take it off. We would struggle to remove it at bath or bed time.He would win. Buckethead prevailed.

At about 3 years old he fell in love with Santa Claus. He dressed like him every day. Full outfit. It could be 100 degrees outside, he had on his beard and wig. He dressed like him for Halloween. The neighborhood girls would pull him in a wagon around town, as he yelled” Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas!” every day, year round. We tried to distract him, but no, He was Santa, and that was that.Eventually,he had us call him Scott Calvin, from the movie The Santa Clause. This kid was going to live life his way. We just were along for the ride.

His school years started and they were met with excitement and struggles.He had some very major health scares. When you are told your child more likely than not has cancer, will need surgery and treatment, your world stops.He was 6.The specialists were convinced he had lymphoma,and took him away for surgery. And my husband and I were devastated. One song  played over and over in my head  He’s My Son by Mark Schultz

I’m down on my knees again tonight,
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I’ve done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I’m sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.                                                                                                                    See, he’s not just anyone, he’s my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he’d like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He’s so tired,
And he’s scared
Let him know that You’re there.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me                                                                                                                                              Let me take his place some how.
See, he’s not just anyone, he’s my son.

They told us after the surgery, the Oncologist and surgeon would take us to a separate room, to plan his treatment. The doors opened, and my husband and I stood up, expecting to be taken to the room.”Sit down.” the surgeon said.” I don’t know how or why, but it’s not cancer. Everything pointed to cancer.”  Buckethead 1 Cancer 0

As he got older, the adventures of Nate continued. Like the year he decided to change how he laughed. Like it’s a choice? But he did. He said for 1 year he would only laugh  “HA!” And for 1 year, he kept that promise.One, single loud HA! Which of course only made the rest of us crack up. And I miss hearing his HA so much.

Buckethead grew up, and graduated and moved away for college. Graduated from MMI and then moved again. And now he is about to move across the country to Seattle, with his girlfriend Emma. And as happy as I am for them, to be starting a life together, I wish I could have him back home, little again. Wishing I could spend countless hours watching Santa movies in the heat of summer with him. But he has lessons to learn,that I can’t teach him. Because he might learn a different lesson than I would.It is his journey.

He has his own dreams and life wishes. He has to do what he wants to do.Kind of like he always has. We might have different beliefs, and opposite ways we view some things.But one thing will never change, the love and respect I have for him.And how grateful I am to have learned so many lessons from him.

Happy Birthday Scott Calvin.I  love you. HA!